Design & Spirit: How Cultivating Your Style Fills Your Soul

Style and self expression. I imagine if you ask the average person if they know what they like, they would say they do. But if asked, I think they may be hard pressed to pinpoint why what they like makes them happy. Knowing why may seem easy, but it most definitely is not.

I’ve noticed that we’re drawn to groups and cultures. Unfortunately, most of us get sucked into pop culture. But this is a homogenized version of style, generic. I recently started a new job in the city, and one of my ice breakers I was asking folks is what they are listening to. Almost everyone I asked said R&B and hip hop. It seemed strange that everybody had the exact same answer. As though there was a daily email that has a list of things you should be into. But when I pushed further for specific recs, they were at a loss to say who they liked. So why is it so hard to be honest about what we like?

Why is Self Expression So Elusive?

I think it has to do with fear and ignorance. Fear because we’re afraid of what others will think of us if we’re not like them, or go against the status quo. Ignorance because we just don’t know what we like. Because we spend our time worrying about how others see us and how we won’t belong if we don’t like the same things. So we never explore what we like/are like. But what I’ve realized is, that you don’t have to be like someone, to be liked by someone.

Stop Worrying About What the Person on the Train Thinks of You

I commute into the city for work. My commute is an hour and a half, and I take two trains and two busses to get there. Aside from this being a terrible commute, I’ve also witnessed the latest trends. Mostly women, who I empathize with, because there is more value placed on how a woman looks in society than men. One trend that’s on the rise is comically long, bedazzled and manicured fingernails. But the one that really worries me is the Marc Jacobs, “The Tote” bag.

The Marc Jacob’s bag really makes my blood boil because the bag looks like something I would use. It’s simple design has a utilitarian look and feel, and some are made from natural materials. The one I see and like the most is made of straw. Arguable the cheapest material you can make a product from. It’s essentially grass. So, how much does this bag cost? If you head over to Marc Jacob’s webpage, the straw bag costs the most. “The Tote“, straw bag costs $595 dollars. For context, a comparable bag on Etsy costs $3. And you can put your name on the $3 bag, instead of having some guy you’ve most likely never met, name emblazoned across the front. That’s a $592 markup.

And most of the women on the train carrying these bags are sporting the same look as the women modeling them on the retailers website. It’s a look of contempt. I’m angry, it’s probably because of you, and you better not come near me. What’s so heartbreaking about this all is, that if you look long and deeper at these women, you can see the same fear and vulnerability in their eyes as the models. And if you make eye contact with the women on the train (or most people for that matter), they look shocked. They immediately avert their eyes as if they’ve done something wrong, look guilty for some imagined offence. I’m focusing on these women and their totes, but this insecurity and fear is ubiquitous in city life.

Avoiding Connection

Another trend I see on my commute is if you look down the rows of people populating the seats, almost everyone of them is on their phones. If I close my eyes on the train, it feels as though I’m completely alone. But I’m surrounded by approximately 224 people. So the women who are spending close to $600 on their bags, which I’m assuming is for status, no one is actually looking at them anyways. So if we’re all sitting next to one another, training ourselves not to care, my question is, what’s the point?

As a form of rebellion against this dissociation, I’ve been trying to make eye contact with my fellow commuters and smile. I’ve also taken to farting on my train rides. I find it funny because one, fart jokes, and two, no one seems to notice or react at all. They’re so enraptured by their phones and fear, that they don’t dare look up and make eye contact. Or if they do, they avert their gaze and look guilty. I told my coworkers about my attempts to make eye contact and smile during my commute and they told me that seems “aggressive”. When smiling is taken as an act of aggression, there’s a problem. I feel a little guilty, as though I’m abusing those who are still held captive by their fear, but it won’t do anybody any good if I mirror their demeanor. I’ve learned you will be uncomfortable sometimes. And you have to sit through it, or be stuck in the fear of it if you don’t allow yourself to feel it.

Gender Roles & Style, Our Personal Prisons

Some of the problem is from what’s expected of us in society. I love design. When I was 5, I remember building a house out of Legos to the specs of the picture on the box. It felt cozy. Like the ideal picture of a perfect home. Fast forward to the present, and I still love the way my curated surroundings brings me joy. As though they’re reflecting back the parts of my personality I like most, embracing me with comfort and ease. The ambient mix of patterns and color that are in the background sooths me. The scents that waft through the room and the creature comforts that bring me ease are relaxing. Sanctuary. But this love of mine was not fostered by my family. Nor by the masculine culture we were steeped in, and that was the bedrock of our familial unit. The value we all grasped at so desperately. So why the fearful lack of self expression?

In the world above, the man’s job was to work and drink whiskey, while the women folk took care of all things domestic while drinking vodka. Domestics included cooking, cleaning, child rearing and taking care of their man. This was considered “woman’s work”.

These roles had me feeling as though I needed to fill the mold cast for me. And I tried. For a long time I modeled myself after a combination of role models that embodied this masculine culture. Jim Morrison and Jay-Z were at the top of my list. But eventually I came to, realizing that not only was it a self destructive path, but I was also not being true to myself.

What my “man mold” looked like, was sitting in my room in one of my apartments, behind my Pottery Barn desk, with a decanter of Irish whiskey, glass four fingers full and neat, looking at a Pottery Barn catalog and an ad for the Audi TT roadster, while wearing designer clothes and cologne. I was looking out over my room from the vantage of my desk, cold and sparce, thinking about the things I wanted that I thought would make me happy. But I wasn’t.

How Did I Find My Style?

Fast forward 20 years, and my room’s a third the size, filled with furniture that was built by my grandfather, and decorated with small, colorful items that bring me joy. And I’m as happy as I’ve ever been with my living space. All because I found my style and comfort in hippy culture.

Persian Influence

There are as many unique styles as there are individuals. And we often gravitate towards certain cultures. I fell in love with, and relate to, hippy culture the most. Their gypsy life style, reminiscent of Persian culture, with their brightly colored Marrakesh spice markets, textiles and architecture, are vibrant with natural qualities that come together to create a sense of cozy to me. That aesthetic just feels like home.

This love stems from fond memories of my childhood. Trips to the local apple orchard and feeling one with my family and nature in a wholesome way (that and apple cider donuts). The Allman Brothers album cover (and music), Brothers and Sister, embodies this feeling for me, with their natural, but not so colorful elements.

Talavera style probably influenced The Dead’s album art, “Skull and Roses“, or their greatest hits album, Skeletons From the Closet, along with there song, “Mexicali Blues“, which depicts the bands influence by Mexican Culture. And the original drawing and inspiration for the cover is from 11th century Persia, around the time the gypsy life style began. What the Dead’s fanbase emulated by touring around the country in modern day caravans. No wonder I was hooked.

Also, some of my fonder food memories are of my family going to a local Mexican restaurant. I remember really enjoying the rich and cheesy dishes. Laying the foundation of my love of food. The atmosphere felt like a holiday, and the decor and colors were as rich as the food.

Indian Roots

Indian culture and its colorful and unique style, similarly to Mexican Talavera, also draws me in. I remember being enraptured by Tibetan prayer flags in high school, during the mid 90’s when the Free Tibet movement gained popularity. Much like the Mexican Talavera and Persian styles above, the brightly contrasting colors pulls me me in. Take these artistic elements and mix them with ambient lighting, and I’m transported to Nirvana. But enough about me, what do you like? What bring you joy?

Do You

So if the person sitting next to you on the train doesn’t notice your $600 bag, or if you’re bleeding out from massive head trauma for that matter, why feel afraid of what they think of you? No one is looking anyway, so why not find what makes you truly happy? That way, you will not only get to know you a little better, but you’ll also feel more comfortable being you. Like Tom Wait’s says, the weirdos are usually more interesting, “Most of the people I admire, they usually smell funny and don’t get out much…” But how do you find what makes you happy?

You’re Roots

I think it has to do with taking a look inside, and seeing what makes you happy, then recognizing that happiness in your surroundings, actions and the people you who are closest. What feels good to you and feels true to who you are. What are the past experiences that made you feel connected in a healthy way? What are the colors that you feel most connected with? Or the trinkets you keep around to remind you of fond memories? What about those memories bring you comfort? These things can help to point you in the right direction of authentic self expression and an aesthetic, your style.

You also don’t have to buy your way into happiness. If you really want to buy the $600 bag, go for it. But only if it’s what you really want and what makes you happy. For example, and ironically, I collect tote bags. They’re a fraction of the price of the Marc Jacobs’ bag, and I’ve collected them from different events or things I’m into. I have a few from the Boston Vegetarian Food Fest, and one from This American Life. These are some of the experiences and things that make me happy.

What are the things that make you happy? Truly happy. When was the last time you looked at something and felt satisfied? Was it a vacation you took? A culture you felt connected with while traveling? Maybe it was something you made that you are proud of. Or something that you made with a loved one, or was handed down to you from someone you love. Or maybe, like me, you found something that put the hook into you from an early age. Something that called to your spirit and drew you in to its embrace. These are the places you will find what you like, and are like. Then you can live your life from this authentic place, knowing that you are unapologetically you. Then you won’t care what your commuter buddies think. And it’ll be easier to make eye contact with people.

Do It With Love

When I first started making eye contact with people on my commute, I was angry. Very few people were willing to be vulnerable enough to make the smallest connection. So I then made it a game. Where I would make the person uncomfortable by trying to make a connection because I was better than them. But then I realized that I was just feeling lonely. None of these connections really mattered, and I felt as though I were the one making all the effort, without return.

But I think that’s the trap. Because I do have connections with some people. Those closest to me, and those are the ones that really matter. Not the person ignoring me on the subway, but the people I see day in and day out. Who share my values and know me, get me and accept me for who I am. And I think that’s something we all need. To feel accepted for who we are, and the consistency of showing up for each other.

I’m not here to tell you what to buy to make you feel more you. I don’t think there’s some magic cure-all that will make you know what you like or what your style is. Instead, I think it starts with you being honest with yourself. Knowing if you feel good doing something, or if what you’re wearing is actually something that speaks to you and your sense of how you want to express yourself. And not what you see advertised, or what your friends are buying.

And if your friends make fun of you or reject you on some level for doing what makes you feel like your authentic self, maybe they’re not such good friends after all. So if you’re looking to feel more you, more whole, spend some time with yourself and honestly judge the things that you’re doing. Do you really like the taste of beer? Maybe you’re a tea drinker instead of coffee. Do you like to get your nails did? Is that what makes you feel most like you? Keep asking these questions, and eventually you’ll get to know who you are and your style. Peace, & thanks for reading :)🏔️🌙

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