I just moved about two weeks ago. It was a stressful move, but also a heroic effort. My roommate and I moved two apartments worth of furniture in ten hours. I was a little sore the next day, but otherwise the move went smoothly. I didn’t have a lot of furniture. This helped. But this also meant that I needed to go and get what I didn’t have. For me this is an easy fix. Go to the thrift shop. But knowing yourself isn’t so easy for most. I’m willing to bet it has something to do with not knowing what you like.
What do You Like?
The day before the move, I went to the local thrift shops around town. Places where I could get a bargain and fill the gaps in my furniture needs. While I was shopping I noticed that the majority of people populating the store were, I’m assuming, like me. Down to earth, not boujee. The kind of people who you would probably see around a campfire, enjoying the night and good company. I imagine they wouldn’t be second guessing themselves, or worrying about what their friends and family think of them. Knowing yourself affords you the luxury of shopping were you like, not where others think you should shop.
This got me thinking, “why do I feel more comfortable in thrift stores than in a high-end department store?” I think it has to do with knowing yourself and what I like. Not buying into the pretense that I am superior to others for owning something.
Shopping Brand-Names
Before I was hitting the thrift shops, my fear of how I was seen by my friends, and just about every stranger I passed, was considerable. It wasn’t overwhelming to the point of total social isolation. But I did feel a fair amount of fear, stress and anxiety from what I perceived as negative judgements about me from my peers.
This makes me think of The Family Guy, when Stuwie was potty training and the Peter was looking for a book to help him. One of the suggestions was, “Nobody Poops but You.” This strikes me as exceptionally funny, because that’s the intended message, I think, that people are trying to convey when they look at you condescendingly for something everybody does. Like farting and pooping. Like we’re in “Mean Girls”, men, women or other, and we’re above what we find repulsive because we don’t do it. And for the record, if we don’t poop, then we should probably go see a doctor (;
Image Obsession
Some of my best friends were obsessed with their image and brand-names too, fueling our anxiety. We would buy designer colognes, shirts and sunglasses: buying furniture we couldn’t afford/didn’t need to live lifestyles we thought we wanted, all because knowing yourself and following your own style meant social isolation. We were emulating the lifestyles like the people we looked up to but didn’t know and weren’t real. My post on “Craft and Quality” touches on this theme, using Marc Jacob’s $700, straw bag “The Tote” that costs $15 to make as a bench mark for the absurd social standards we feel we need to fulfil.
Like the people in advertisements. Fictitious people who wouldn’t accept us due to our social status or lack of perceived wealth. We played golf, tennis and talked about boating to look as though we were living in a Vampire Weekend song. But this wasn’t the life we had. And for me, this wasn’t even close to what I wanted. So why did I play along with the unfulfilling lifestyle that my friends were so eager to project? It has to do with not knowing yourself and that I didn’t know what I wanted.
The Dangers of Following the Herd
What’s so insidious about not knowing yourself and changing and molding myself into the person my friends wanted me to be was twofold: First, they didn’t know what they wanted. They were molding themselves to someone else’s standard. Ralph Lauren or Chanel to name a few. Second, I lost touch with who I am, all in the name of comradery and feeling a part of a community. This is why knowing yourself, and feeling strong in that knowledge is so important.
Truth is, we just didn’t feel likable. I can’t be sure about my friends’ feelings or circumstances, because we didn’t talk about our true feelings very often. But in my family of origin there was a lot of emphasis placed on physical attraction and social pressures and standards. Weight, mannerisms, and gender roles, were a few areas of focus in my family that were weaponized. And we leveraged them to make eachother feel as though we weren’t worthy of being in the others presence. Because we didn’t add up to the acceptable social standards.
But looking back on our ways of being in relationship I’m realizing that we were all afraid of we thought we were judging eachother. We were constantly shifting our identities to match our “perfect”, projected opinions onto those who mattered most to us. Or whom we elected the leader of our group, the gatekeeper to our belonging. The way we “knew” how “not to be” was by judging and belittling those who we deemed as markedly “unworthy” of being in our social circle. And we were the target of our own scorn most often. Which can only mean that we didn’t like eachother, or ourselves, very much, not realizing those we deemed unworthy were most likely more at peace with themselves because knowing yourself came more readily to them.
The Blind Leading the Fearful
But what I valued most about my friends and family when we were together was the time we spent together. Not the things we were buying, or the images we were trying to project. I went along with what they wanted because I thought it would make them want to be around me more. Time together is what I really wanted. Sacrificing my true identity, wants and feelings at the alter of our perceived image of the perfect life and belonging to eachother. Like an ad for a designer cologne, empty and meaningless. There’s a song lyric that emphasizes this sentiment, “share our perfect opinion, It’s the ideal ideal” – Built to Spill, Sick & Wrong.
I didn’t even really enjoy belittling others to feel belonging. It was the brief moment of acceptance that came with us agreeing on a shared opinion or standard that I was after. And we felt even more like we belonged if we had the approval of the culture we were trying to fit in with backing us up. We were ambassadors, so to speak, of the ads we were emulating, for our peer group. But we were still very much afraid of being rejected. So, how did I break free from this fear culture and stifled identity? I had to make some radical changes and let go of old patterns of behaviors. This meant a lot of me time.
Unearthing Your Authentic Self
I went through a series of difficult breakups which left me on my own for a long time. I had support from family and a few friends. But I was changing my entire way of being a friend, son and uncle with the people I’ve known all my life. So I needed to get out of circulation to understand my old habits and the ways I related to people. To understand what was and wasn’t working without the pressure or fear from those closest to me. Or fearing them rejecting me for trying to be more me. Also, I learned most of my relational skills from them. So it only made sense for me to be on my own, to discover new ways of relating to old friends and family. This is how I learned what I was truly like.
Learning, Listening & Relating to Your Body
This was crucial for me. Understanding what I liked/was like. Because I had been dissociated from my body and emotions for so long, due to retreating to videogames and alcohol. I was relying on those I looked to for guidance and acceptance to tell me how I felt so we could feel safe by me being “controlled”. I literally had know idea what I was feeling or able to give my emotions names.
I sort of knew what I liked. My true self was poking through the surface. But I had trouble fostering it because I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I was due to the unstable relational circumstances I was steeped in. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of critical judgements, you know that it’s just as bad, if not worse, than being physically attacked. Because you can’t see the wounds from words. My sole focus was survival in that environment. This is no way to understand and relate to your emotions.
Meditate, Starting Over
But once I was in a stable and safe enough place I was able to listen inwardly, and start over by rebuilding myself from the inside-out. This is where knowing yourself and who you are comes to the forefront. I did this through meditation. This was an essential element to understanding how I felt. If you don’t like the term meditation, or associate it with religion, or some other ethos you don’t want to get behind, think of it as learning how to listen to yourself like you would listen to a friend. With kindness and a soft attention. Because in the end, we’re all just trying to do the same thing: be happy.
How to Start Meditating: There is no “right” way to do it. The goal is to relax your mind and notice what you’re feeling and thinking without judging the crap out of yourself. If you grew up in a family similar to mine, this is no easy task. When I first started, there were judgements aplenty. Thoughts came up that I knew I would never act on. In some cases they were old messages from the past. But the goal is to let them come, acknowledge them, don’t react to them, or the emotions they bring up and let them go, no matter how difficult it is to stay. Not to not have them.
Sit, Stand or Lay Down: When I first started meditating, I chose a dark, quiet room, where I could tune out what was happening in the apartment I was living in. I had three roommates, a dog and cat, and my girlfriend, all in a small, second floor apartment in the middle of the city. It was actually pretty cozy considering the shear number of mammals I was surrounded by. But it was important to find a space to relax, feel safe and comfortable, so I could recognize the chatter within, not what was happening around me.
I laid down on the floor, on top of a blanket and some pillows. This was important because I was accustom to doing punishing work and then numbing my emotions so I didn’t have to listen to, or feel the pain, fear and abuse I was putting myself through. The legacy of my former attachment figures. So getting comfy was priority one. And incase no one told you, being cozy isn’t relegated to a specific gender. If you asked the men in my family if they ever felt cozy, they would down a beer or scotch and do something foolishly painful to prove how “manly” they were. No bueno.
Timing: Time can vary. Some like to sit for a half hour, others for only a few moments. I spoke to one yoga instructor years ago about the tenants and goal of meditation. He told me, with a hint of desperation in his voice, that it’s about, “getting as still as possible, right?” And that maybe the case. But I think that’s only part of the picture. Because the reason you’re getting still in the first place is to stay inside of the emotions when they come up, regardless of how uncomfortable they make you feel.
Here you may need to do a little adjusting to find the time that works best for you. I started with 15 minutes. But as my practice evolved through the years, I needed less and less time to feel grounded. Sometimes I sit for 13-18 minutes, other times for 5-10. It really depends on the day and how I’m feeling. The results are usually the same regardless. It just takes a little bit of time to build up the discipline to come back day after day.
Pick a Time & Stick to It: I’ve chosen a time to sit everyday, so I know I can count on that time being blocked off. For me, this is in the evening. I like to sit at the end of the day, after all my responsibilities are finished or waiting to be followed up with. This way I can relax all the more knowing I’ve done as much a I’m able. I also love the cozy lighting I can create when the darkness comes. Not to mention the moon and stars : )🏔️🌙🕯️✨
Coming Home by Knowing Yourself
Once I was able to listen inwardly, I was also able to know what I liked without the competing influence of popular culture and its fashion trends. For the record, I like the Marc Jacobs “Tote” bag and its simplicity and utility. I still think that it’s criminal that they are charging as much money as they are for it. With their straw bag at $700, the mark-up is 98% for a similar $15 bag on ETSY. So knowing what you like will also save you money ( ;
But the more you tune into your own feelings about what your tastes are, the better off you’ll be. You’ll be happier with your purchases, they will reflect your personality more, and you’ll save money as well. That’s not to say that you can’t buy brand names. If you have to have the $700 straw bag, buy it. But just make sure you’re buying it for the right reasons. Not because you saw someone on the subway toting it and think it will buy you belonging.
And as for your home, when you’re surrounded by the things you like, you will feel more at home. Your space will be that much more a reflection of you. Not a monument to the designer you may or may not like. At the end of the day, you want to make sure you’re coming home to a place you feel at home in. Not something that looks good in a magazine. Or what we imagine would look good to someone else’s tastes.
So trust yourself. Knowing yourself and what you like first is most important, then use that as your guild. Not some designer that is trying to sell you who you are. Chances are, they don’t know who they are. So they’re trying to sell you their image of who they think you should be to feel in control to feel belonging. Trust yourself. That’s the best way of knowing who you are and what you like : )
Peace & thanks for reading – 🏔️🌙
Leave a Reply