Cleaning Up: Feeling at Home Around New Friends

A lot has happened in the last two months. I switched careers, found a job earning the most I’ve ever made, moved into a new apartment while I was unemployed with a person I’ve only known for three months. And I’m starting out with no money in my emergency fund. I’ve also been cleaning non-stop. At both my apartment and work and finding time for yoga and some much needed rest. While I was wrapping up my last yoga session in savasana I was thinking how vulnerable we all were on our mats. Me being the only man in a room full of women, I was concerned with how they felt. People often go to yoga to get in touch with their bodies, and women especially, have been abused at the hands of men and are more likely to got to yoga. I was wondering how safe they felt with me just being in the room.

How Guilt & Shame can Sabotage a Budding Friendship

Luckily I’ve already made friends with the people I go to class with. And laying there prone, thinking about how the women in our class may feel more comfortable in their day-to-day knowing that there are men who are kind, don’t fit the gender straight jackets we’ve been assigned, made me feel better. As though I’m doing my part, however small.

And knowing that just being kind can help to breakdown the walls to connection and heal old wounds is comforting too. I’m not sure exactly the experiences of the women in my class, but I think I may feel at home with them because I’m able to admit that I’ve been abused much in the ways that I’ve heard my women friend tell me they have.

I think we all have. But men have a hard go (not harder than women, I’m not trying to make surviving abuse a contest) of admitting they’ve been abused because they’re supposed to be able to take it. AKA not feel it, be strong. There’s a line in the movie “Platoon” that sums up this sentiment, “’cause a grunt (soldier)⁕ can take it, can take anything.” The soldier mentality that men in American culture are trained to embody and be proud of is alive and well. I think I have some insights as to way this may be.

The Manly Men & Feminine Women Trap

A Man’s Man

I’ve had a rough upbring. I know I’m not alone, but I also know that most of us don’t talk about it. From my perspective of being cis male, I was raised to be abusive. I was abused, physically and psychologically, living in terror for a good portion of my childhood. I was told I was a man so I could handle the abuse by virtue of my gender. Which was really a way to normalize the abuse from the women in my family, who were grasping at whatever power they could to feel in control while steeped in their chaotic and abusive worlds.

Not to mention the sexualization and objectification of women for how “attractive” they are to a standard not our own, by both the men and women in my family. We were too afraid to embrace our true wants and desires, finding what’s appealing to us in a partner. We did this for fear of being ridiculed and rejected by ourselves and the culture. And this was how we normalized the abusive “rights of manhood”.

Feminine Women

And women don’t have it any easier. I don’t know for sure how women feel on the subject, and I’m not assuming I’m able to speak for women’s experiences. I’m drawing on what I’ve gleaned from growing up around three aunts, four sisters, a grandmother who was a model in her youth before turning housewife, and a family that was run by women (I was def the minority). But they did so subversively. through manipulation, because the men needed someone to run their lives for them, only we were all too ashamed to admit it. The men and the women. Because part of the “rights of manhood” decrees that men are in charge and women want to be taken care of by their strong men.

What I’ve noticed is, that women are not only judged for their appearance by men, but also other women and themselves. The end goal for looking attractive seems to be to feel secure. Secure because they have to be attractive to find and keep a good partner, to feel accepted by their peers, friends and cohort, and I imagine for their livelihood as well. Also, they have to run their households while taking care of their children and often times take care of their partners as well. Too much, too much.

The Myth of Gender Stereotypes

And in both cases, we often assign these restrictive stereotypes to ourselves. Fooling ourselves into thinking that these standards are what we really want. And we live our lives according to the rules that we were abused into following. This usually results in stifling our true selves. Likes, dislikes, how we feel about ourselves and what we’re truly happy being, doing, and what we’re looking for in friendships and a partners.

This practice of denying our true selves, I think, leads to us feeling ashamed of who we want to be and are if only it were accepted culturally. And it stops us from truly connecting with others. And in some cases, stops us from engaging entirely.

So from my perspective, if we’re all abused, mostly in the same ways, how do we feel confident and safe enough to take the risk to be who we really are? It takes a strong will to be authentically you, but this is something you can learn how to do.

Cultivate a Strong Will

I was lucky in a way. In my youth I was too afraid to interact with most people. I was drawn to those who were on the fringe, what can I say, I like the weirdos. Mostly because I am one. But my friends and I were already bucking the norm. So we had nothing to lose in being authentic us, so we just went all in.

From what I’ve experienced, most people get initiated and abused into stereotypes from an early age. So we think our safety lie in fitting in with popular culture. Doing what we’re told to feel belonging by the people who look the most successful or competent. But these standards aren’t a one-size fits all. What we don’t realize and aren’t told, is that the people who look the most competent are just as frightened as the rest of us. My friend group and I were just lucky enough to have nothing to lose, so we did what came natural, fear be damned. Sure we made some questionable choices, but we were in charge of our own lives. We had agency.

Strength is Derived from a Fearless Heart

But being in the fear also makes us feel like we don’t have control. For me, a wave of fear would come, I would be paralyzed, unable to see a way out. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees so to speak. Then I would panic. But slowly I learned to recognize that I was terrified, and I could control myself and my actions while afraid.

But staying with the fear is easier said than done. So where do we start to build the traits that help us cultivate the strength and courage to stay? To resist the fear? Master the fear? For me, it started with meditation and a clean house.

Declutter Your Space, Declutter Your Mind

I had to do chores when I was young. Every Saturday my sister and I would clean the entire house. This started when we were nine or ten. We got an allowance, I think it was two dollars fifty cents, but we had a good work ethic from an early age because of them. I hated it then, but what kid doesn’t hate cleaning? Looking back I appreciate it now. Having a good work ethic is important when it comes to accomplishing your dreams and goals. But if you are disorganized, the harder you work the more confusing tasks become.

How a Cluttered Work Space Effects Your Ability to Play Nice With Others

One of my former roles was as a social worker for a human services organization. They were pretty large and there were people there doing good work. But there were definitely issues with moral in the field.

Most of the employees were burnt out. I can def understand why. I was literally stepping over people passed out in pools of their own vomit, with syringes sticking out of various body parts. But instead of relying on eachother for support, we were fighting amongst ourselves.

The program director had so much work, that her desk was literally piled a foot high with papers and folders, all askew, with multiple screens and windows open on her desktop. I offered to take some of the tasks off of her plate many time. But she was so enraptured in her work that she was unable to step back and find tasks to delegate. I told them I’d be their secretary/project manager, but they fought it every time I brought it up. Laughing it off as though it were a joke.

How to Declutter Your Mind

I eventually got fired. They told me I should have been busier than I was and were angry with me for offering to help. In their eyes this was evident by me having so much free time that I was offering to pitch in elsewhere. But instead of them accepting my help, they chose to avoid me. Because it meant looking at the messes they’ve made. And I’m guessing the shame of them not feeling as though they’re working hard enough, doing enough and feeling out of control, frightened them.

Step One: Admit You Can’t & Don’t Have to Do it Alone

This is where a lot of people get hung up. When I was confronted with any type of help, regardless of how benign or humble the offer, I bristled against it. Because we were told we had to be right and in charge and do everything on our own. We also verbally abused eachother with our sharp togues to avoid connecting and to take vengeance on eachother. Because connecting, asking for help which was seen as a weakness, meant being abused, which was retribution for our past sustained abuses. We told ourselves the reason we abused eachother was that by being abusive, we were right because we were more powerful, which meant we were safe from the others abuse by being stronger, which validated us by proving them wrong in their acting abusive, smug and superior to us. We swapped places, making us feel better than who we were abusing by being more powerful and abusive than them. Might equals right?

We thought that by virtue of hurting them, it “proved” our superiority by robbing them of their dignity. When we were “right”, it meant we were beyond the abuser turned abused’s reproach. It meant we reducing them to a pathetic and vulnerable, ineffectual, shell of a person. Stupid, needy and weak for needing our help. It proved they couldn’t do it all on their own and made us feel validated, safe and better than them because we could stop the cycle of being abused by them because we didn’t need their help anymore. We thought we finally measured up to our impossible standards of perfect self-reliance. We felt safe from their wrath by vengefully hurting them, and them looking hurt and scared, validated and satisfied our feelings of safety and superiority. They were weak and needed us, and we were strong and didn’t need them. But this logic does not compute.

This was really our way of self preserving. Protecting ourselves from the others wrath by being vengefully hurtful and feeling self-righteous in the process. Further validation and justification for our amoral behaviors. We were really just abusing eachother so badly that we created a cycle where we first felt ashamed and stupid after being abused, and then better than our abuser for “not feeling” the shame and stupidity after abusing them. Handing the hurt and shame back and forth like a hot potato. So I found people who would help me only sans the abuse.

Step Two: Accept the Help

Of course this was all a shame. We desperately needed the help. But we knew that accepting help meant accepting defeat, and that we would have to endure the abuse that came with it. This is/was unhealthy. If no one’s ever told you, it’s not a sign of weakness to accept help.

After I found friends who were not only supportive by way of not verbally abusing me, (their out there, you just need to look) but also willing to help, I had to deprogram myself, divest myself of my previous ways of being in relationship. This took time.

Time, patience and a whole lot of faith. Faith that your friends really want to help, and not at some hidden price. Which, in my family, was dignity and self esteem. This is where the healing can start to take place.

Step Three: Working Together

After not being able to rely on anyone for help, any help feels like a God sent. Something so simple as helping to clean the house, or share a meal is such a relief. But it also meant checking my togue.

I’ve noticed that in general, when people say they are fluent in sarcasm, that usually means that they are trying to normalize abusive comments. We were sarcastic in my family, usually delivered in a condescending tone. This is a good way to wear down a persons self-esteem and make them doubt their self worth.

So while I was with kind friends, I had to watch what I was saying because my goal now is to bond and work together amicably. Not establish dominance by tearing the other person down. This took a great strength of will and practice. What helped me were compliments.

Step Four: Pay the Compliment

An old girlfriend of mine had told me once that she always pays the compliment. I didn’t understand this at first, but the more I interacted with people as a mature adult, I understand that people don’t want to, or are too scared to connect.

I’m not sure the reason, but being kind and paying the compliment is something that is feared by most. Even accepting it can be awkward. But when we receive compliments from people we know, we get excited and feel good. So why hold back? I think it’s a matter of repetition. The more we hear them from strangers, we can normalize it. That would be a trend worth following 🙂

Cleaning Up

Next week I’ll talk about some of my habits for keeping a clean and well ordered home and work space. Cause work is really just an extension of our homes. Also what to do if the people you live with aren’t as motivated as you in keeping your space in order. Thanks for reading ( ;🏔️🌙

⁕My addition