Building a Firepit, Building Relationships: Cozying Up to a Fire

The older I get the more I realize that the things I enjoy the most are the cozy and simple things. There’s a line in a Jay-Z song that sums up how I feel, “I don’t want much, f’ I drove every car. Some nice cooked food, some nice clean drawers”. There are few times where I can remember gathering around a fire with family and friends, enjoying the evening and eachothers company. But the times I do remember are good times.

🔥 Stories by the Fire 🔥

Divisive Stories

When most people think of support, I’m guessing they think about defending those who’ve been hurt by attacking the source of pain. The intention is good; you hurt my friend, so I’m going to hurt you to make things right. But this only breeds anger. We ignore the wounds and go on the attack, leaving our wounds to fester and a resentful taste in our mouths for the person who caused us pain. But all we’re doing is holding our pain close. This is kind of intelligent. We’re trying to hold onto the memory and pain, so we can avoid it in the future by being vigilant and remembering/reliving the experience. Again, good intensions, but we’re keeping ourselves locked in the cycle of hurt and pain.

So each side carries their unattended wounds around as a badge of honor. We foster a sense of righteous anger toward the trespasser in an attempt to show how tough we are by holding our hurt with “dignity”. As though this type of suffering is unavoidable, and that we are the better, bigger person for bearing it. This just doesn’t make sense.

Culturally, there’s also a bravado that’s tied in with gender roles. As a cis male, in my family I was raised to believe I was the protector of those “weaker” than me (which was everybody, being a white male). Aside from being arrogant, I also had to carry my wounds and hurt alone, with pride and on display, to show how manly I was. Being cozy was not something that I, or any man was afforded the luxury of. Both culturally and according to my family rules. Luckily for me, I found out that this is bs.

Unifying Narratives

I’ve learned that healing support looks like something I heard Tara Brach, Ph.D say, whose teaching blends Western psychology with Eastern spirituality. She says that it’s survival or the nurtured, not survival of the fittest.

She suggests that violence and our unattuned care takers severs our trust and belonging. So to counter this violence and need for retribution, instead of “supporting” our loved ones by attacking others, I think it’s essential to attend to the wounds of severed trust of those we care for and about, with what Tara calls, “a kind attention”.

This way we can focus on healing the wounds inflicted by others, instead of letting them fester and the pain they cause being a constant reminder of how we’ve been done wrong. Because we’re only hurting ourselves by holding on so vehemently to the slights and their pain from others. Letting go of the anger, hurt and indignation, and focusing on how we can support those we love by attuning to and caring about them and their needs/stories with a kind attention, is what will ultimately lead to healing, stopping the cycle of pain.

Building the Pit

Putting together the fire pit is surprisingly simple. All you need is space enough for the fire. In MA it’s 25′ away from structures like a house. Also make sure there’s an adult present and a garden hose in case it gets out of hand. Your ring can be no bigger than 3′ diameter, and should have a fire ring, or stone, or something that can withstand the heat to contain the fire. Below I’ll go over the steps I took to bring my pit into fruition.

Pit Construction

First – Find a suitable area on your property for the pit. You don’t want to build a fire directly next to your house, or anything flammable for that matter. Ideally it will be free from bushes and trees as well. Check with your local DPW to know the specs for your town.

Second – Fire pits, in parts of MA, can only be about 3′ feet in diameter. You can measure 3′ by taking a stake and a piece of 1 1/2′ twine, tying the twine around the stake, drive the stake into the middle of where you want your fire pit to be, and extend the twine as far is it will stretch, walking 360° around the stake, marking off the perimeter at the end of the twine. This should give you a 3′ circle.

Third – Dig out the sod to a depth of about 4″, digging a deeper hole, a half foot wide by a half foot deep, in the center of the pit.

Fifth – After you install the ring, it’s time to put a layer of stone or gravel on the bottom of the pit. This is to allow some airflow under the coals that fuel the fire. And the half foot hole you dug in step three is for drainage. We used bluestone for this, but you can also use lava rocks or even fire glass. There are loads of options.

And that’s it. Your fire pit is complete and ready for use. But there are a few more things to consider. Like firewood.

Firewood

Firewood is essential for using your newly built pit. Makes sense. Luckily for you, it literally grows on trees. As far as fuel goes, it’s pretty cost effective. Especially if you’re not keeping your fire going around the clock. Let’s take a look at some of the options for fuel. This is also not a comprehensive list. For more information, contact your local agricultural store.

Kiln Dried

There are two options you can go with when choosing firewood. The first is kiln dried. This means that the wood is stacked in a kiln, and dried at around 170°. Kiln dried wood burns hotter with less smoke and has that crackling sound that is so relaxing to listen and relax to. It has to be covered during storage to protect it from the elements, but you can use a tarp as a cheap and effective method to keep your wood dry and ready to burn.

Kiln dried wood is a little more expensive, most likely due to the specialty equipment needed to dry the wood. But if you are buying it in small quantities, this may be the better option. For one night’s burn, I think I only used 8-9 sticks, about one tenth of the 20ish cubic square feet of wood we got. For context, 20 cubic feet is about enough to fill the back of a compact hatchback, 1/3 full, and cost us $70.

Seasoned

Seasoned firewood is wood that has been dried over time, leaving it to dry naturally. This takes about three years and is left uncovered during the curing prosses. The wood has a higher moister content which may effect the burn time, and releases more smoke and creosote while burning. But this type is also cheaper than kiln dried. So if you’re buying in bulk this may be the better option.

And if you’re burning the wood outside in your fire pit, creosote buildup won’t be a problem, as you’re not using it for stove or fireplace fuel. But if you’re using it for duel purpose fuel, you’ll want to weigh the pros and cons for yourself.

Getting Cozy

Now that you have the fire pit built, it’s time to settle in for a cozy evening, and to surround yourself with good friends, memories, stories and snacks. Because that’s what it’s really all about. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting around the fire in solitude. Enjoying one of the most basic pleasures of life solo. But there’s something undeniably inviting about being around a fire with friends, creating new memories. Like a warm and supportive embrace. So what are the elements that make for a cozy evening? Here are some things I’ve found to bring me more peace and ease.

The Elements of Cozy

Warm & Comfy

I was taught in my youth that there was nothing less manly than being cozy. This is ludicrous. Incase no one told you, as a man, you can get comfy. I like to have throw blankets around. Just because you’re around a fire, doesn’t mean you will be completely toasty and warm. Especially during the crisp fall season in New England.

Also, sweaters and wool socks are essential as well. Not only are they warm, but they are soft as well, upping the cozy factor. I usually go to the thrift store for these. You can get some unique finds as well as a good deals. But for socks I almost always buy new. I feel a little funny about sharing underwear with strangers : )

Snacks

Snacks are essential, and a very personal element of cozy for me. I like having the foods I love around me to raise my level of satisfaction and satiation. For instance I know I love sweets. This usually takes the form of sweetened iced tea with lemon, chocolate with fruit and nuts or mint, and some sort of dried or fresh fruit. Lately I’ve been liking cherries and strawberries. All you need to do is ask yourself, “what would make me feel most satisfied right now”, and you’ll most likely have the answer. It may not be so clear for some. I know I was used to doing and eating what everybody else decided on. But keep asking yourself, and wait patiently for a response, and eventually you’ll hear and know what feels right for you : )

And of course, since we’re around a fire, s’mores are essential. This one is pretty straight forward, but if this is your first foray into the world of making s’mores, I’ve got you covered.

Graham Crackers: Let’s start with the base, graham crackers. There are specialty grahams that are crispy, like hardened caramel and are super decadent. But I like to keep it simple with plain old graham crackers like from when we were kids (only not soggy from spilled apple juice).

Chocolate: Most people go for your standard milk chocolate bar due to their shape. Half a bar fits neatly on half a graham cracker. But most recently I got dark chocolate for a less sweet alternative. The pieces are smaller so you’re not consuming half a bar every s’more. But it’s still satisfying.

Marshmallows: The toasty cornerstone to any s’more. This sugary treat only gets better when melty on the inside with a crispy shell. But if you’re vegetarian like I am, don’t neglect to look for the vegan options. Most marshmallows are made from gelatin, which is derived from animal bones and skin. There is also a healthy market of artisan marshmallows available, too. So literally go with your gut on this one.

Softly Lit & Clean

Finally, comfortable lighting and a clutter free space helps to relax and unclutter the mind. The fire does a great job of throwing ambient light, but adding a few candles and some carefully curated lights will add to the ambiance.

I like these globe lights and copper wire LEDs draped over a natural element, like a piece of driftwood as shown below. It helps to backlight your space without the harsh light from flashlights or some other overhead light source. This helps you see your snacks without feeling blinded when you look away from the fire.

Gathering Around the Fire

There’s something primal and cozy about being around a fire. Huddling around the warmth and light while the darkness surrounds you and your stories. Kind of like it’s you and your friends against everything that could harm you outside of your small circle of light, and all you have is one another.

Taking care of eachother by listening to the grievances and disappointments, but also the wins and accomplishments, too. Knowing that you can rely on your friends for support and they you, feels comforting. Which is the first step to feeling cozy. Add some snacks and blankets to the equation and that’s about as cozy as it gets.

So friends, get to building that most basic element of connection. And if you have any fur babies, they’re also a much welcome addition to any cozy evening. And in my book, the fluffier the better : )

Peace & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙