Hello friends. This post is a little different in that it is a reflection of what it means to me to be in relationships with those closest. I think the inspiration for this post is due to the holidays being around the corner. And if you’re like me, the holidays are a loaded experience. I usually try to tie the lessons I’ve learned with something practical. A DIY or tutorial. But I was moved to get this down after a conversation I had with a family member that, I think, is ground zero for a lot of our relational woes. Let’s jump in.
Love & Relationships are a Risk & Risks aren’t Usually Fun
As I said above, I was having a conversation with a family member. We were talking about my roommate’s plans for the holidays and I told my them that he was planning on making the six hour drive back to his hometown on Thanksgiving Day because he didn’t want to lose a day of work. I asked if he thought that cramming the long drive in before Thanksgiving dinner was a good idea. I was thinking that it may be better to take an extra day so he could relax and take an already hectic time of year a little slower. He said he’d think about it and we went about our business.
I told this to my family member and they responded with, “They’re just being practical”. I didn’t think that this was a particularly practical approach to enjoying the holiday, so I pressed the issue and explained my perspective. They responded by saying they had to make their own decisions and that I was trying to talk my roommate out of his plans. I explained that this was not how I saw it. That’s when the conversation went deeper.
The Risk of Breaking Old Relational Patterns is Scary
There are a lot of hurt feelings in my family. I don’t think I’m unique in my familial experience, but difficult none-the-less. I’m lucky in that some of my family is willing to talk about it. And the willingness to have these conversations is so import. Because without an open mind we run the risk of repeating our old, broken ways of being in relationship.
The older I get the more I’m seeing my old habits in new a light. I think I’m lucky in that I’m now able to see my past ways of relating to those closest to me, discover what is/isn’t working, and come up with new ways to make sure I feel heard and am listening to those who I’m in relationship with. And one of our old patterns was emerging in the conversation with my family member.
Defenses to Avoid Judgement, But Also Connection
Telling the Other How They Feel: One of the tactics we employed to feel safe in our relationships when talking to eachother about difficult subjects, like our emotions, was to tell eachother that our perspective of what they are feeling is “right”, fact and irrefutable. We then curtly ended the discussion to show we are unanimous in our steadfast resolve that we are “right”. We did this to protect ourselves from the pain of connecting. Because it was inevitable that verbal abuse from the person we were shaming with our callous judgements for being “wrong”, was to follow. We then dawned our smug, self-righteous armor, and defended our stance vehemently by attacking anyone who disagreed with us with an air of superiority. I think we did this because we thought we could avoid any follow up interrogations by virtue of us being arrogantly and self-righteously “right”, and beyond reproach from our inevitable feelings of being judged due to our intentions being analyzed. Because being questioned in the past meant our opinions were judged as being “wrong”, and we were then shamed for it. Retribution, no doubt, for past shaming. Because somebody needed to be “right” in our disagreements, and it was almost always at the expense of the other person being “wrong”, and then shamed for second guessing the judgements of the person who was “right”. And it’s worth noting that we were almost always on the defense because our disagreements were filled with old wounds and contempt for eachother. Our goal was to stop hurting. But we were protecting ourselves by hurting the other. And as we know, two wrongs do not make a right.
Might = Right: Our conversations and relationships at large were so fragile that every time we disagreed it was seen as an afront to our judgement and character. Because whomever could make the other person feel ashamed for how they felt was the one with the “right” opinion. And this “right” person was seen as the stronger for it. This however is not only untrue, but it also leads to resentment. This can also lead to a person being codependent and feeling that they need someone to tell them how to feel, what to do and how to be, if they’ve been conditioned to be submissive due to the abuse of power in their relationships.
Running From Eachother & Ourselves: This is how we grew to fear eachother and our relationships. No conversation was safe because they were all loaded with the hurts and abuses from our past encounters and the underlying rules of engagement. And we grew to resent eachother and our inability to feel close and loved because we weren’t listened to, didn’t feel heard. Because no one was willing to be abused and then not abuse the other in return. After realizing what was happening in our relationships, I decided that things needed to change.
Change is Scary, So You Have to be Scared if You Want to Change
This is where I left off with the above conversation with my family member. I challenged their opinion, and they told me they felt judged for me asking them follow up questions. They were scared and fearing the judgements that were the norm in our past conversations. So they gave their opinion and attempted to end the conversation. But I kept pressing.
They were trying to control the conversation, and me, by determining what was allowed to be said, by whom, and when the conversation was finished. When I refused to follow their conversational and relational boundaries, that’s when they prepared to fight.
I had to sustain their blows in order to have an authentic conversation with them. Because part of having a tough conversation, as much as we try to avoid it, is being uncomfortable ourselves, and not just the other person being uncomfortable. There’s a Nayyirah Waheed poem that comes to mind when I think about these types of difficult conversations:
“flower work is not easy. remaining soft in fire takes time.” – Nayyirah Waheed, salt.
Staying Soft in Relationships Ain’t so Easy
This is where we left our conversation. I told my family member that I wanted to feel closer to them by having them listen to me and my perspective, and not have them try to shut down the conversation in an attempt to stay “safe” in our relationship.
But this type of openness takes trust. And trust is something that is built over time. Especially if you’ve had as much hurt and as many abuse as we’ve had in our family. And that’s where I stand in my familial relationships now. Hoping that the abuse I take from my fearful family members will build the trust necessary to salvage our relationships. I think it’s working. But time will tell. In the meantime I’ll be working on my other friendships in hopes of surround myself with good friends and support for the times that I’ll need to lean on somebody.
The following are a few tips to help build those bonds if you’re ready to be uncomfortable and build those burnt bridges. There’s nothing new on this list, but sometimes it’s helpful to lit them out, and give them structure. And if you’re new to this as I was, maybe this is the first time you’re being acquainted with these concepts:
Be Patient: This is no easy. Especially when you’re absorbing their illogical and hurtful outbursts. Because let’s face it, they can be mean. And if they’re close to you, they know how to push your buttons. But this is where it is most important to stay the course and be solid in your resolve. Here you need to lead by example and show your loved one that they are not only worth the time to be heard by listening to them without judgement, hurt feelings and all, but also how to take the blows, and model that just because you’re mean to eachother sometimes, doesn’t mean that your relationship has to end in contempt.
Be Kind: This is probably a no-brainer, but being kind is essential for repairing damaged relationships. Because the slightest of slights can raise past feelings of indignation. And these patterns, as I’ve said above, lead to resentment. And if there is anything that will raze the foundation of a relationship to ruble, it’s resentment.
Take Breaks as Needed: Being kind, remaining soft in the fire, isn’t easy work. Especially if you’re not use to being wounded without lashing out. Or if the hurts are still fresh. If you’re feeling overwhelmed don’t ignore your feelings of discomfort. Don’t be afraid to tell your friend/family member that you need a break and tell them why, kindly. Take care of yourself by doing something that brings you comfort. This way you’ll not only be taking care of your needs, but also model that it’s Ok to do so, and necessary when in the middle of a difficult conversation. You don’t have to push yourself past your limits for the sake of repairing your relationships. This can also lead to resentment if either party feels as though they are constantly sacrificing their peace of mind for the sake of the other feeling comfortable in the relationship. And that is exactly what we’re trying to avoid and repair in the first place.
Be the Model
I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating: This isn’t easy work. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, of being the first to take the initial blows to salvage your relationship, most likely healthy methods for managing conflict weren’t modeled for you.
Unfortunately though, in order to repair what’s been rent, somebody needs to be the one who shows the other how it’s done. The way out is through. This is usually the job of the mature, older members of the family. The parents, grandparents, someone who knows how to navigate relationships during the storms. But if you’re like me, you’re family has been scattered to the four winds and fear is the foundation of all your interactions. No one willing to take up the reigns and model health relationship habits.
If you’re where I am, go slow. One relationship at a time and take breaks. Here’s a post on setting a cozy, safe place to gather and feel love and belonging. Something we all need. Also find support. Friends and people you can trust, even if it’s just to take a walk in the woods with. Because it’s lonely being the one who realizes that living in fear isn’t really living. But lonely is better than being afraid and unwilling to let go of your anger and hate. And you will find true friends along the way. And your friends and family may come around. Just be patient and stay the course. Because in the end, it’s about love. Model love and you’ll be fine : ) Peace & thanks for reading : )🏔️🌙🕯️💜💙
