Home Ec: Why Don’t Schools Teach How to Run a Household?

I’m a social worker, and the population I work with are chronically homeless. This means they’ve been homeless for 5 years or longer. Before I worked with this population, I viewed them mostly as lost causes. They seemed to me, so mentally ill, that there wasn’t anyway for them to come back. Or so addicted to substances that it would take a miracle for them to become sober. But the more I work with these individuals, the more I’m noticing that they are more child like in nature than hopeless causes. And I don’t mean that in a diminutive way, but in a way that their actions and reasoning resembles that of a young child of five to thirteen years old than of a fully matured adult, lacking the life skills to take care of themselves. So what does this have to do with Home Ec.?

When I visit clients at their homes, I’m noticing a trend of disorder. Usually, their homes are filled with trash, unwashed clothing and dirty dishes, and just a general sense of chaos. Their homes look as though they are being run by a pre-teen, lacking the necessary life skills to create the safe and stable environment they so desperately need, to aid in they’re recovery. For many, life on the streets was their reality for so long that they’ve forgotten how to do the simplest of domestic tasks. Washing and folding clothes, taking out the garbage in a timely manner… But so would I if I were worried about where I was sleeping that night, or if I was going to be physically harmed for what little I had.

You may think that this is an extreme example for not having the life skills for running a household. And it is. But I’ve also noticed that the people I work with, friends and family, all have a somewhat unbalanced approach to taking care of the basics. The place where I work usually has options for lunch in the office. But they’re not the healthiest choices. Boxed mac & cheese and chocolate bars are a few examples.

When it comes to finances, a friend of mine is stockpiling money in their emergency fund to double the common wisdom of six month’s salary and beyond. For most, having $60K plus in your money market account just doesn’t make sense. Can you think of an instance that would suddenly occur where you need that much cash on hand? I can’t.

In the domestic life skills realm, some of my family members, when it comes to keeping up with day to day cleaning, are on either end of the spectrum. They either clean obsessively, or do so little that parts of the house go untouched for years. Neither approach is optimal for running a household, nor to developing the necessary life skills to make your house or apartment feel more like a home. So what can we do about this?

Ok, There’s a Problem, But What’s The Solution?

I’m not saying that I have the answers for developing the areas of each persons life skills, or that having a clean, well run household will solve all of our problems, but it’s a start. And a big piece of the equation. I’ve noticed in the population I work with, how something as little as talking to customer service to replace a phone that’s stopped working unexpectedly, can boost their sense of accomplishment and confidence in themselves to handle larger things. I’ve also noticed when we clean the parts of the house that have gone largely unused, they get utilized more frequently, filling them with warm memories instead of cluttered debris. Turning unused space into a place to gather. And I plan on batch cooking some healthy meals (something I’ll be writing about in a later post) to bring into work. So my coworkers can experience what home cooked meals can taste like, and the effect they have on your overall feelings of health and wellness.

It’s these small, but important life skills, the parts of domestic life that have been demonized by the outright rejection of the 50’s ideal house wife and her role as a home maker. The unsettling vision of the Stepford Wives are what, no doubt, fueled Beaty Freidan’s vehement fight for feminine autonomy. But should we really be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

My inclination is no. I’m not saying to bring back the 50’s gender roles. In fact, I believe that there should be a greater focus on the home, one that includes all genders. And to come up with a strategy that plays to each person’s strengths. For example, I’m talented in the areas of cooking and cleaning, and I’ve got my budget down pretty tight. So it would make sense for me to spend more of my time taking care of these aspects of the home I share. And the end goal is to create a sanctuary. A peaceful and beautiful place that you can not only call home, but enjoy and be proud of. A space you’ve created to reflect who you are, and how you want to be.

Division of Labor: Life Skills That Need Our Focus

So it’s in this spirit that I want to go over some of the areas that I feel have been over looked or neglected for far too long. Be it culturally, by schools valuing STEM classes that focus on test scores over life skills. Or in the family, which was the case for me, where both my parents were too busy working to support the family. Subsequently, not taking the time to teach me the basic life skills that I would need to take care of myself.

I’m not trying demonize or place blame on any one person or culture. From my experience, that does nothing but create hurt feelings and divide. But I’ve also learned that we need to know where we’ve come from, where we’re stuck, and what’s shaped our current circumstances in order to move forward and grow. And it’s not easy. But it’s doable.

Areas of The Home

Here is the short list of life skills I want to cover, not only in the next few posts, but also on the blog in general. Let’s take a look.

Cooking My parents’, and their parents’ generation, were part of the, “clean plates club“. So food insecurity was definitely alive and well in my family. My grandmother was also a model in the 50’s, adding another layer of shame to our mealtimes. But luckily I’ve been blessed with experiences cooking under some amazing cooks at the restaurants I’ve worked in. I’ll be sharing some of their recipes, and routines I’ve developed to eat well and on a budget.

Cleaning Most of the houses and apartments I’ve lived in, have been with people who either put too much emphasis on cleaning, or are completely avoidant of the chore. For me anyway, it’s important for the home I live in to feel clean. But I also want it to reflect my personality. And to utilize the space that I’m inhabiting. In short, I want to make my space my own, comfortable and clean. Cozy. Instead of turning it into a living memorial to the values, objects and patterns of neglect from my past, as has been the case with a majority of my domiciles.

Finance This is one of the life skills I learned the hard way. Not that the other lessons were easy ones. But money in my family, much like sex and emotions, were a subject that was jealously guarded, not spoken about. Talking about money in my family was outright feared. Not only because of the value we placed on it, but also the feelings of its scarcity. Not to mention the wounds we inflicted on one another by being afraid. Money was a resource that we valued more than our relationships with one another. But I’ve since learned that it doesn’t have to be this way. Money is a useful tool that we can use to live a life that brings us joy, not be ruled by it.

Design I truly believe that good design matters. Your home and your surroundings effects your mind, body and soul. If you are surrounded by the items, colors and images that reflect your personality, you will find yourself in a place that feels serene and inviting. Sanctuary. The opposite is also true. So I’m going to be spending time on how to develop your own unique style, in order to find the pieces that brings you peace and ease, that call you back home.

General Maintenance & Upkeep I don’t have a ton of experience with this set of life skills. This is something I’d like to change. Only recently have I been in a place to learn how to take the reigns of the care and general upkeep of my physical space. And it feels good. I’ve also been helping friends renovate the basement of a local arts association. And am learning some amazing skills in the process. From fixing a squeaky hinge on a door, to repointing a fieldstone wall, I’ll be going over the projects I’m involved in, have done, or are on the horizon.

Time Management & Scheduling The ability to run a household and do it well, depends on how well able you are at managing your time. If you’re over extend, spreading yourself too thin, chances are important things will fall through the cracks. Creating boundaries around your time and energy is vital to keeping you and your household running smoothly.

Familial Relationships As much as some of us don’t like to admit it, part of running a household is being in relationship with each other, in a healthy way. I am a social worker, and not a trained therapist. But I’ve experienced some pretty intense relations and have navigated my way through them successfully. I did this with the help of trusted friends and a therapist (thanks guys). So I’ll be dropping what little knowledge I’ve gathered along the way to help create a little more harmony in the home, relationally.

Art & Style I’ve also been drawn to the arts. I love how a style can come together to create a unique theme and extension of your personality in a space. Lately I’ve been taking photos of graffiti I find around Boston and the surrounding areas (I’ll be putting up a gallery of these finds on the blog). Having these interests is something that brings that little extra touch, imprinting your personality to your space. I’ll show you how I find mine, and cultivate them into something tangible.

Turning In For The Night

With the above areas in mind, I’ll be exploring the different ways I’ve taught myself to make my home feel more like a place to gather, create and strengthen bonds of love. Instead of focusing on how pretty it is to someone else’s standards, or clean it is to the point or sterility. For those who are looking for a place to build true connection and find sanctuary in their homes, it can feel overwhelming.

There are loads of ads selling us what they tell us we “need” to make a home, for ourselves and our loved ones. For example, I walked by an ad for a popular children’s clothing line today. The five year-old child was giving a smug, condescending look. When companies are targeting demographics that young and the parents are buying in, what chance do the children have in breaking free from the cycle of buying status, happiness and belonging.

Let’s focus less on how sexy we look and start looking at what really matters. Because what we really need to be happy is already at our fingertips. Love, acceptance of ourselves and each other, and kindness. And maybe a lentil soup recipe (; Hopefully, we’ll find some of the answers along the way. Peace & Thanks for Reading 🏔️🌙💜💙