Rhubarb Pie, AKA How to Connect With Your Neighbors 🙂

To connect with others isn’t always easy. It could be due to not trusting others, or feeling as though you’re not likeable or interesting enough. So you let others beat you into the mold who they think you should be so they can feel better about themselves and hopefully you feel accepted. But this leaves us feeling like we don’t add up and doubting our value. This is also a parasitic relationship. Nobody wins because everybody still feels like they need to treat the other person or themselves poorly to feel accepted. “Is no bueno” as Melba would say.

From my experience, fearing connection usually leads to feeling like you need to buy things to fit in by being trendy. Also no bueno. So if you can’t buy belonging, and you won’t feel good if you tear others down to feel connected, how do we come together in healthy ways? I think that it starts with being around the people that want to be around you.

Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want to be Your Friend

This seems like a no-brainer, though more often than not we try to change the minds of people who could care less about us. Thinking that if we can change their mind about liking us, we will finally feel accepted and loveable. But this usually isn’t the case. We just end up chasing people who are basing their value on how many people are chasing them. They think that by being chased and keeping those chasing them just out of reach, they’ll have worth. So if they don’t care about you, and want to use you to make themselves feel better, why bother?

Once you see the people who are ignoring you as not worth your time, not in a diminutive way, but because they’re unwilling to foster a genuine connection, then you free up your time and attention to focus on the relationships that do matter. So where do we start? My intuition says, start with who is already around you.

Who Is Trying to Connect with You?

I was mean when I was younger. I acted superior to everybody, and consequently I ignored a lot of people who were trying to be my friend. Good people. People who had been there for me from an early age. But I was trying so hard to be liked by those who I thought held the key to my belonging, by looking cool and acting superior, that I pushed my most loyal friends away. All because I thought I was “above” them because they wanted to be around me. But I forgot why I was acting superior to begin with. To feel connection. And the people I was chasing wanted nothing to do with me. This logic does not compute.

I did this to protect myself from the rejection of those who I saw as the “gatekeepers” of my belonging, the “cool Kids”. I thought if I was with the people who actually wanted to be with me, I would be seen as pathetic or needy. Because that’s how I saw them. I rejected them because they were rejected by the “cool kids” and I wanted to be cool by association with my gatekeepers. And their rejection mirrored how I felt rejected and I was avoiding those feeling. So once I understood that needing people isn’t uncool or pathetic, nor is feeling rejected, I saw that the friends I had that looked “needy” or “pathetic”, were actually my most dependable, reliable and kindest friends. And that’s what I’m looking for in a friendship now; kindness and people who will be there when I need them.

How to recognize a Good Friend

I started by reassessing who had been there for me in the past, through the good times and the bad. Because life is a mixed bag when it comes to experiences, you can’t have only pleasant ones. Sooner or later trouble will come a knockin’ and you’ll need a friend that will do you a solid, by calling an ambulance after your shoulder dislocated in your sleep and then puts pants on you because you sleep naked. Thanks Jon : )

And I consider myself blessed with the friends I’ve made through the years. Because even after I ignored them, some for decades, they’re still here for me, no questions asked. And that is what a good friend looks like. So what are some of the traits of a good friend? Or how do we spot them when we’ve realized that we need to change our definition of what a true friend looks like? One of the ways is by holding space.

Holding Space

When I heard people talk about holding space, I didn’t understand what they meant. I was also pretty dissociated from my emotions. So first I needed to recognize what emotion I was feeling. But when I got a handle on that, I had a come to Jesus moment over breakfast with a new friend.

I was in a terrible mood because I had just been turned down for a job I was sure I had. I had a scowl on my face and was acting curt to everyone in arms reach. I had agreed to meet my friend for breakfast the day before and suggested a place in my hometown so I didn’t want to ditch him.

I could tell he was uncomfortable with how upset I was. Checking his phone, looking side to side anxiously. I felt terrible that I was causing his discomfort, but didn’t know how to stop acting that way without stifling my emotions. My old default method for handling them. But he stayed. He stayed in the discomfort with me, and the tension that was between my tea and pancakes and his coffee and Irish eggs benny. Then later that day, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. That’s what I believe is meant when we say holding space for eachother. Staying, even when it’s difficult and/or uncomfortable, and still wanting to hang out after. So long as it’s reciprocal and doesn’t happen often.

Listening

Another element to a good friendship is listening. What I’ve found in my relationships, including with myself, is that when we feel heard, we feel a tighter bond. We understand eachother, and that is a gift and the mark of a true friend.

I think we stop listening because we are focused on how we want to be heard, and what Brené Brown calls “hustling for your worthiness“. Maybe because we’re starved for attention, or trying to make the other person see us for how they want us to be to belong. And we’ve stop listening to our friends and stifled our connection. Because we let the fear of not being heard take over. And if we’re afraid of not being heard, we’ve most likely stopped listening, the other half of feeling heard. Then we’ll say whatever we think we need to to feel approved of.

Kindness

This is an important ingredient for friendship, or any relationship. Without kindness, you can’t establish trust. And every time you are unkind to your friends, it’s a wounding. Sometimes big, sometimes small, but a wound none-the-less. And if you keep wounding eachother in relationship, you reopen old wounds, and inflict new ones, causing all sorts of traumas. And if you don’t acknowledge the wounds and forgive eachother for the attacks, you’re left mangled from the hurtful experiences from past hurts.

Being kind helps to build trust, which in turn leads to connection and feeling at ease, safe with eachother. When we’re kind to our friends, you’re saying, “I recognize you, appreciate you, and acknowledge that you’re Ok, just as you are”. And I think this is all anyone wants to feel, from friends especially. To be seen for who we are and accepted without agenda. So what does this have to do with making pies?

Making Friendship Pies

I used to work at an apple orchard I had been going to since childhood. This was an experience I treasure. It also gave me a lot of experience in making pies. So I took that knowledge, and the surplus rhubarb in our garden, and decided to make pies for my neighbors.

I made three. One for us, and two for the neighbors. One neighbor, a couple, had just moved to the neighborhood. They were grateful for the gesture and it was nice welcoming them with a gift. Building the foundation of our friendship on generosity. We talked for a while and we both parted feeling a little more comfort in having shared some food and kind words.

The other recipients were a family with two young children. They’ve been in the neighborhood for years, but I hadn’t talked with them much in the past. It was 9pm when I dropped off the pie, a little late, but they were also grateful. Everybody enjoyed the pies and our new neighbors felt welcome, and my connection with the others grew just a little deeper.

Pie Making: Gathering the Ingredients

We have a garden at our house. Funny story, there is a front and backyard, and we never used the front yard, so my dad decided to tear up the lawn and put a garden where the lawn used to be. I think it looks better laden with vegetables than grass any day.

The rhubarb in particular is an old plant. I believe my grandparents planted it in the 50’s. We used it more often in the past, but as of late, the plant has been pretty much left to it’s own devices. So I decided to make some pies and finally put our rhubarb to use. And we grow more food than we can use, so I made a plan to distribute the extra pies to my neighbors.

I went out to our yard and collected about 18 cups of rhubarb. If you’ve never had rhubarb it looks like oversized celery with giant leave, has a tart quality and the stalks are variegated red and green. You can also find it in your grocery store, but I think it’s seasonal. Usually around late summer/fall.

Pie Prep

Mixing

Preheat the oven to 375°. Then rinse and chop your celery into bite-sized pieces. After chopping, add the rhubarb to a large mixing bowl along with the flour or corn starch, salt, sugar, and lemon zest for a slightly different tart flavor profile, and cardamom powder for a floral touch. Mix thoroughly and set aside. It’s worth noting that the sugar will draw out a lot of liquid from the rhubarb, as it’s mostly water. This is normal, and you should add the liquid to the pie along with the rhubarb mixture.

Pie Dough & Filling

If this is your first go-around with pie dough, or if you’ve been making pies for a long time and don’t want to make it, that is perfectly understandable and acceptable. Making pie dough from scratch is time consuming and the premade dough you buy at the grocery is just as good. It freezes well too. So you can keep it on hand incase you need to whip-up a pie on the fly. And while we’re in the freezer section, rhubarb freezes well too.

If you really want to make your own dough for that extra homemade touch, this recipe from Fannie Farmers is a good one. Also, you have to refrigerate the dough, so when you roll it out you’ll need to use some elbow grease.

Roll out and or, drape your dough over your 9″ greased pie plate, and mold the dough into the bottom of your pie dish, leaving a little dough hanging over the edge. Then fill your crust with the rhubarb mixture. Sometimes the liquid will leach through your dough, cementing the pie to your plate after baking. Spraying the plate helps to stop the sugars from melting and sticking to the dish. I use a ceramic pie dish, but aluminum and Pyrex work as well. Also, if the dough tears while shaping, dampen your finger and press the pieces together to close the tear.

Top, Crimp & Vent

Your premade dough should have come with two rolled doughs. If it didn’t, and you only have one, this will teach you two lessons: 1. Pies usually need a top and bottom, unless you’re baking pumpkin or lemon meringue. 2. You should’ve read the entire recipe before going shopping (;

Drape the second dough over the filled pie bottom, lining up the top edges to the bottom rim. If there’s a lot of dough hanging over the edge of the top dough, you can roll the dough under, to match the diameter of the bottom plate, like you would roll up a sleeve, but backwards. This will make it easier to crimp because you’ll have more dough to pinch together. You do this by joining the the top and bottom dough edges together and pinching them along the rim of the pie plate, creating small ridges about an inch apart, and perpendicular to the rim of the plate.

Next, cut holes, or vents in the top crust to allow steam to release as the pie bakes. Here you can get creative by cutting shapes or words into the top crust. Then wash you pie with egg wash to give it that iconic, golden color.

Bake & Enjoy

Some people like to top their pies with a sprinkling of sugar or cinnamon sugar. I don’t usually, but if that’s something you’re into (no judgement), just sprinkle a little white sugar over the top after you wash and cut vent holes in the pie. If you want to use cinnamon sugar, (again, no judgement;) mix about a half a teaspoon to a quarter cup of sugar, or add cinnamon to suger until light brown. It’s ok to eye these measurements. For a fancy touch, if you have a vanilla bean hanging around, you can take the husk and put it in a jar with sugar. The longer it sits, the more it will be infused with vanilla flavor and is great to have for a special treat. And don’t forget to place a sheet pan under the pie to catch any liquid that may bubble out from the edges while baking.

Place in the center rack of the oven, and bake at 375° for about 45 minutes on convection setting if you have it, using a pie crust shield if the edges are getting too dark to quickly. You can buy a fancy one if you bake a lot of pies, or make one by shaping a long piece of aluminum foil and place it over the crust’s edges. It deflect the heat, which stops the crust from deepening in color before it finishes baking. Let cool, share with friends, and enjoy : )🏔️🌙